Hit and Run Headlines Greatest Hits

According to experts, gas station sushi is actually pretty safe to eat.

Although keep in mind, most of those experts are from the toilet paper industry.

Yeah, of course they are.

Amazon was fined for tricking people into signing up for Prime.

What?

Now before you judge.

How accurate is that photo on your dating profile?

Don't be a hypocrite people.

A woman in England almost died when she yawned so hard it almost broke her neck.

That's the last time she ever watches soccer.

Meatball pasta meals sold at Walmart may be contaminated with Listeria bacteria.

Walmart has relabeled them as quick weight loss supplements and are moving off the shelves like hotcakes.

I don't know.

Squirrels.

Oh my God.

Squirrels are attacking residents of a California town.

Responded your dog.

I told you they were evil.

Sources say the next James Bond will be an unknown, so congratulations, Scott Bayo.

Sorry, Scott.

Two Golden Retrievers beat 5,000 other dogs to be the next Air Bud.

They celebrated with a bottle of the world's finest toilet water.

The Brady Bunch House is opening its doors to the public for the first time.

Just remember not to play ball in it.

He said, don't play ball in the house.

The Head of Ticketmaster says concert tickets are actually too low.

Yeah, of course the Head of Ticketmaster said that.

I mean, too low, if they get any more expensive, the only ticket I'll be able to afford will get me frequent flyer

miles.

Comedian Andrew Dice Clay turns 68 today.

Here's a nursery rhyme for ya.

Hickory dickory dock.

I can't believe people ever thought you were funny, Andrew

Dice

Clay.

Paul McCartney performed the song Help for the first time in 60 years.

Usually when he wants to call for help, he uses his medic alert thing, the bracelet.

Baseballs 2 will feature Rick Moranis in his first live-action movie since 1997.

If it really wants to impress me, it will also feature John Candy.

A Virginia man survived a heart attack in his car because he crashed into a cardiologist's office.

And he's still not as lucky as that weird-looking dude who married Selena Gomez from Only Murders in the building.

Google him, and you'll see

what

I'm saying.

See what I'm talking about.

McDonald's is bringing back Monopoly after a decade.

Big deal.

That burger they just served you is under a heat lamp for two decades, so... Nicole Kidman.

This is so sad.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have split up.

You know, I'm starting to think she has issues with shorter men.

That's what I'm

thinking.

Unfortunately, Nicole is used to being a woman whose marriage isn't all that it seems, thanks to every show she's done in the past decade.

Think about it.

Taylor Swift reportedly turned down the Super Bowl halftime show because this is a multiple choice.

A, she didn't want to do it for free.

B, it conflicts with her tour schedule.

Or C, she sees how Travis Kelsey is playing this season and knows he won't be in it.

That's right, I said it.

I said it.

Reading Rainbow is returning with a new host.

Damn, Sea Crest, slow down, man.

You know in order to appeal to today's kids the show's name will be changed to scrolling rainbow All right, here's a here's a stupid question fake studio audience are you ready?

All right, so let's

Let's see here.

Let's start off with something stupid.

Like the Taliban, they're stupid.

They've cut the internet in Afghanistan as part of a morality crackdown.

Morality.

This will prevent Afghans from accessing their favorite porn site, Ankle Hub.

Have you heard of Ankle Hub?

You probably wouldn't.

There's a Minnesota man was shot in both legs during a wedding.

Isn't that insane?

At least he got out of doing the chicken dance

though.

You're looking for a positive aspect.

A man claiming to be Colonel Sanders' great, great, great nephew leaked the KFC recipe of herbs and spices.

Likewise, a man claiming to be Ronald McDonald continues to entertain audiences at the Luxor with hilarious prop comedy.

KFC was also surprised by the way that he actually went through with it.

They thought he'd be too chicken.

Yeah, I love a good chicken joke.

Yeah, apparently you don't, but a Tesla employee was attacked by a robot.

So I guess that sign saying number of days without a robot attack goes back to zero.

AOL has ended its dial-up service after more than 35 years.

Dial-up.

Great.

Now how am I going to search for my nearest blockbuster video

location?

Insiders

say Nicole Kidman is getting through her split with Keith Urban by leaning on her multiple choice.

A, family, B, friends, or C, forehead.

I think it's forehead too.

I think it is.

Country music festivals are on the decline.

Experts say that so far this year there have only been 84 of them.

52% of American parents are going to DIY their kids' costumes in order to save money.

Not realizing they'll pay 10 times as much for therapy from all the bullying that

they'll get taken.

The U.S.

plans to strike drug cartel sites in Venezuela.

That's it.

I'm switching suppliers.

Don't do drugs, kids.

Don't do drugs.

Jane Goodall, famous for decades of work with primates, died yesterday.

Jane knew so much about chimpanzees that she was hired as a consultant on Jersey Shore.

Which, by the way, is still on on MTV.

So there's another thing that's lost.

Taylor Swift is now the only female artist to sell

And this is multiple choice.

A, 100 million albums.

B, 200 million albums.

Or C, 65 variants of the same album to every 13 year old girl in America.

The human brain starts to decline around age 60.

Not because of biology, because that's when we begin watching

CBS.

Hey, a Florida man.

You gotta love a good Florida man story.

It was pulled over, doing 107 miles per hour to make a hair appointment.

Let me assure you, the cop would have let him go if it had been his wife.

I know I would have.

An expedition believes they finally found Amelia Earhart's plane.

And yes, it was beneath a pile of clothes in the dressing room at

Marshall's.

Kim

Jong-un wants North Korean women checked for breast implants.

Have you seen Kim lately?

I was I was gonna say the same about him Pretty sure McDonald's is bringing back its monopoly game for the first time in a decade And that's not the only game available there every time a McDonald's customer orders a quarter pounder.

They're pretty much playing food poison roulette, so

Almost same thing?

I don't know.

Someone stole a fiberglass dinosaur from an LA gas station.

Cops described the suspect as armed and Chris Pratt.

He was in Jurassic Park, you know.

Attendance at Disney theme parks has fallen to a new low.

Finally, it's a small world is weeding them out.

Finally.

Yeah, I don't know.

But the characters are really feeling the crunch.

Ariel just joined only Finns.

A horror movie told from the perspective of a dog opens today.

It's called, I Know Who You Bit Last Summer.

Or is it The Sit Sense?

Gwen Stefani, 56 today.

You know, she's finally at the age where she's starting to have some doubt.

Alright,

that's all I got.