Transcript
The Waters Wake Up Call with Mike Waters · Mon Jun 23, 2025
Hey, it's Waters from the Waters Wake Up Call.
Had a blast celebrating stupid guy thing day today.
Doing the only thing you can to celebrate telling stupid guy stories.
Cousins of my wife, actually, they took me to the bar drinking all day.
They ran out of money.
They said, well, we gotta go.
Get some more money.
They went home, got a couple masks and a gun, and robbed the bar they were drinking at all day.
What?
Your life's cousins?
Yes.
Wow!
What was the end result of all of this?
Did they get a bunch of money and get away?
They go to Mexico and...
They need to change their clothes so the bar can renew exactly who they were.
Of course!
They went to jail.
Man!
They went to a bar, they're drinking all day, so they're drunk, run out of money.
So what were they going to do?
Were they going to rob the bar and then use that money to...
Buy more beers at that bar or- Yeah.
I take it they were stupid to begin with and this just eclipsed everything else.
So, I've got a pretty dang good dumb guy story.
Okay, dumb guy.
Is this you, dumb guy?
Yep, dumb guy.
That's me.
Okay, dumb guy.
Let's hear the stupid story.
You know, I watched that 70's show from a pretty young age.
It came out when I was about middle school.
My wife and I, friends at the time, we watched every episode religiously.
It wasn't until the series finale, when I finally realized with the center camera going around the table, like that one shot, with the pans around, I didn't realize what they were doing.
until the last episode.
She finally figured it out and was like, oh, that's what they're doing.
And my wife and her parents were all just kind of like, oh, OK, Justin.
And then they all just, like, looked at me like, are you serious?
Like, sorry.
They were
probably looking at you and going, what are you, hi?
No comment.
No comment.
Where was the smoke coming from?
Was somebody just smoking a cigarette somewhere?
Yeah, that's exactly what my wife said.
Why do you think they're smoking it?
Well, I know they like incenses.
Oh!
Incense.
You dumb guy.
I swear, I did good in school.
I'm just not very street smart.
You're book smart, not street smart.
I'm not better.
Good morning.
Good morning, Iron Man.
What stupid thing have you done recently?
Well, I only buy four-door pickups, or work.
Nothing but four-door pickups, okay?
Every once in a while.
So just
to make sure I'm here in your right, you are ready to take off, you get in the back seat, and just as you prepare to start driving...
What the hell?
I'm in the back seat!
I-I sat there, I-I got into the back seat of the ba- I opened the back door, and yet in the back seat, not knowing, not paying attention, I sat there ready to take off, and not knowing, I was in the back seat.
Did you go, hey, where-where'd the steering
wheel go?
Where are my pedals, yeah!
Screaming and-oh, they're-I'm in the back seat.
Oh, that's-okay.
Now I-now I know it's-
What's going on?
Was it something like that?
Is that
how it usually goes?
Yeah.
So tell me how many times has this happened to you?
At least three or four times.
Because I get in a hurry, because I hook up my loads of steel, and I get in a hurry and not pay attention, and I open that back door, and start hitting the door, I will get in and shut the doors.
Oh, shit.
I did it again.
Oh, man.
You're such a backseat driver.
So, for work, you say you have to have the four door pickup.
That's too bad.
Although, if you got a two door, I'll bet you'd wind up in the passenger side and do the same thing.
Oops!
I'm
in the passenger side!
Where's my steering wheel?
Where's my pedals?
My husband went one time.
We were coming back from planning at the funeral, and it was like two o'clock in the morning.
And I said to him, there's a cop sitting there, and he goes, all that cop's sleeping.
That sleeping cop pulled us over about...
a half mile down the road.
The cop looked at him and said, didn't you see me sat in there?
And he goes, sir, yeah, I thought you were sleeping.
So why
did he think he was, were his eyes closed?
Did you see the cop?
Did it look like he was
sleeping?
No.
No, he just figured out he wasn't that hour in the morning.
It's that late.
So yeah, he must have been asleep even though he was working.
Yeah.
No, is it just me or is your husband the sandwich short of a picnic?
As in he's not so bright, is he?
Nope.
Good.
That's something.
Did he give you a ticket?
No, I talked him out of
it.
Oh, of course.
Of course, the smart one, it's usually the guy that gets you into it and the woman who gets you out of it.
You know, I may be a stupid guy, but I'm smart enough to know we're stupid.
I was fairly freshly married, and I called my wife one night at work, and I said, hey, where are the Band-Aids?
And she said, what did you do?
Seems like she already knew something stupid had been going on.
I was outside cutting wood with the chainsaw in the dark.
Oh.
And I reached down to grab a piece of wood, and I caught my thumb in the end of the chain.
In the dark?
Yeah, you know, the things you're not supposed to do.
Turned the end of my thumb into a hamburger.
When she finally took me to the hospital, the nurse
I don't know
if you heard me talking about the male idiot theory.
No, I didn't.
There is an actual study.
They looked at past winners of the Darwin Awards.
It looked at about 318 cases.
88.7% were men.
It's science.
Of course.
My wife and I were trying to put some tea posts in for some fencing out on acres we had for our horses.
Okay.
And we had a little bit of a
slope and bank alongside this creek and I couldn't quite hold the, get the hammer up, the sledgehammer up high enough to pound it in.
So I talked her into sitting on my shoulders and I held the stake post and she was swinging it, pounding it in, got the first one in fine.
The second post, when she took a swing, she missed the post, came down and hit me in the face.
Or are you serious, a sledgehammer in the face?
Yeah, I did all that.
So you were dumb and got dumber?
Yeah.
So I did all I could to keep it falling over, Victor.
See if it falls down too hard because it was going to go down.
Cool, yeah.
Yeah, it was
stupid,
you know.
So how was your face after
this?
It was okay.
I had a little bit of a knock for a little while, but I mean, it was a 16-pound sledgehammer.
Well, that was an improvement on your looks.
I never had.
No,
that's probably good.
All I can hear now is... It's
alright, I got one for ya.
Why am I not surprised?
I convinced my little sister when I was 10, she was like 5, to all go into the hog pen at my grandpa's farm with about 50 some hogs.
and just like mess around with them smacking them and running around and my grandpa he found out about it and he he comes out and he just whooped our butts he goes those things can eat you alive bingo hog wild diamond hey i know yeah and it still haunts me to this day if we were to fell over we were just running around
If you had fallen down, what exactly would have happened to you?
They'd eat everything but my teeth and fingernails.
Man, if that would have happened, I'd want to see the
video.
Well, actually, it was my stupid uncle's story.
My mother told me when they were young and they lived in the country on a big dairy farm, they decided that they were going to make their own airplane because they had a brother that was serving in World War II.
And so they made their own airplane and put it on the roof of the garage and put their younger brother in it and pushed it off.
Oh, that is just plain stupid.
Yeah, it was.
And they couldn't figure out why it wouldn't fly.
Well, little brother broke his collarbone.
And how old were they when they did this?
Uh, probably about 10 or 12.
You know, I- I hope since then they've seen YouTube and all of the people who tried to figure out how to fly before the Wright brothers figured it out.
You know, you see all those crazy contraptions, the bike.
Oh, I know.
The bike thing where you peddle and the- the wings flap and... Yeah, there was the
one that had the- it looked like the umbrella that went around and it all went up and down.
Yes, I know that one too, absolutely.
I don't know if anybody's gonna beat that story.
They also pulled another good one.
They had a train track that went through the pasture, and they got the bright idea there was a bunch of railroad ties laying there.
They thought they would stack the railroad ties on the track, and they derailed the train in the pasture.
Oh, wow.
That's, you know what?
I didn't think it could get worse, but it got worse.
Yeah.
Good Lord.
They were nasty little buggers.
So we have planes, we have trains, do we have any automobiles in any of these stories?
Well, no, but they one time hooked the cat milk pan to the electric sensor and every time the cat would take a lick he'd get a shock and
make his
hair stand up on it.
Geez!
What kind of... So these are your uncles?
My mom grew up in a large family.
Well they say if you have a lot of kids the brains are spread a little bit thin.
Or they're not, or they don't have anything to do so they just...
So you got
the plane, you got the train, and then you got the electrified cat.
So did the cat live?
Oh
yeah.
Okay.
My mom told me the cat got to the point where he figured out
He could look in between the pulses of electricity.
That's great.
Your uncles.
Thanks for the stories, man.
Yeah, my pleasure.
Thank you.
Good.
So having boys is like, and more than a few in the house, a law of diminishing returns.
The more boys you have in the house, the stupider things they do.
So today is my youngest son's 33rd birthday, and I recall him a few days, New Year's Eve, a few days after I brought a whole new pan set.
going out with his buddies or walking up and down the street banging spoons and stuff against my brand new cookware.
And another time my daughter had guys at the house, they're all standing around and I had a brand new knife set and a brand new ceramic sink and there were coffin apples in the air and like trying to slice them at the same time.
One boy like, okay.
He also chipped, he also chipped my new knife
I'm surprised your son, with that kind of sense, has made it to 33.
Yeah, and he's a physician's assistant, so think about that.
Wow.
Well, I hope he's not anywhere near here, because I don't want any part of him.
But you're saying is the more boys
the more stupid it
when you put dumb brains together, I think the dumb just gets bigger.
I think that's why.
there
should be a movie
awesome let's hear it
because
there's something in his feet
What?
Because there's something in his feet.
There's something in his feet?
Yep, there's muscles and bones.
There's nothing in the head.
You
know, you wouldn't have had to explain that to me if I hadn't been a stupid guy.
I may not know what I talk about because I'm a stupid guy, but I do believe you're right.
Yeah, there's no such thing as a stupid guy.
They're good at multitasking for one thing, where women can multitask for a lot of things.
What does- what does multitasking mean?
Doing more than one thing.
There's studies that guys can do one thing and do it great.
Yes, never give a guy gum because that's all he'll be able to do for the foreseeable future.
That is
very
true, Mike.
And I don't know if you heard this earlier, Karen Karen, but I realized who the most dangerous people in the world are is a man with a power tool before his first incident.
Well, I wouldn't be on any of my job sites then.
Because we have guys that have power tools all the time.
Well, but not on your job site, but before their first incident with a power tool.
I'm not gonna jinx anything.
Well, but I'm saying in their lives, they've had an incident
that usually teaches
them a little something.
That is very true.
Yes.
You learn more from a mistake than what you do from anything else.
Yep.
That's why my wife married me.
She's learning.
She
learns a lot from me.
Yes.
Yes.
That's exactly right, Karen.
I almost had to explain that one to you.
No, I would just be a toy.
Weekday mornings, 5.30 to
