Best of Hit and Run Headlilnes for Week of 4-21

Who used all the

Wi-Fi?

Ah, apartment life.

Bad Wi-Fi, mystery laundry piles, and a roommate who says, I'll Venmo you.

Maybe 2027 deserves an upgrade.

Coming August 2027, Four Lakes Properties introduces the brand new Union Station Apartments, furnished in-unit washer and dryer.

Internet included a great central downtown location, one to five bedroom apartments, and no double occupancy fees.

That's less adulting and more actually enjoying where you live.

Union Station Apartments, now leasing from Four Lakes Properties.

Wait, we have a washer and dryer in the apartment?

So

the White House holds its annual Easter egg roll today, and apparently due to budget cuts, every kid will take turns rolling the same egg.

A judge has delayed the resentencing hearing for Eric and Lyle Menendez to May 9th, which means they might still get home in time to not celebrate Mother's Day.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Another federal judge has ruled that Google operates a monopoly.

And if you want more information on that story, well, you have to use Google.

A 19-year-old woman invented bionic hands that can actually continue to work even when not attached to the body.

And by the way, your wife wants you to get a pair of ASAP.

Iggy Pop!

Yes, rock and roll legend Iggy Pop turned 78 today, and I'm thinking this year if we all get him a t-shirt, maybe he'll finally get the message Iggy.

I don't know.

Maybe, maybe not.

Ben Affleck said the bat suit was horrendous, and it's the only thing he wanted to spend less time in than his marriage to J.Lo.

Tim Allen

Allen is saying Toy Story 5 will mostly be about A. Jesse B. Woody or C. The Money.

I think

we all

know

the

answer

to that.

I think we all know.

Rob Lowe called out a Hollywood bus tour guide who mistook him for John Stamos.

Even worse, the guide responded, I'm sorry, Paul Rudd.

Aaron Rodgers says he may still quit playing football.

Based on last season, I really thought he already had.

Well, the Pope has passed.

And the search has begun for his replacement.

But come on, we already know it's going to be Ryan Seacrest.

We know it is.

And all I know about the next Pope is he will be a prominent cardinal.

So keep an eye on Albert Pujols.

I went into that because I just liked the last name.

Who holds?

I've been called one of those before.

The Pope's cause of death, stop it.

The Pope's cause of death was a stroke.

Reportedly after he overheard Katy Perry refer to herself as an astronaut.

Yeah, okay Katy, whatever.

A class action lawsuit accuses Tesla of inflating odometer mileage in order to make owners reach warranty limits quicker.

In Tesla's defense, most of their cars explode long before that happens anyway, so... Just 13% of Americans are confident with their finances.

I knew I was in trouble when the balance on my last ATM receipt was the poop emoji.

And I had to go home without food to my family, and... That wasn't a joke.

Peace.

Pete Hegseth has been accused of sharing important secrets on another signal chat.

This time, much worse, because he was giving away spoilers for the last of us, and that, I can't stomach that kind of thing, can you?

I can't.

Alright, tariffs have caused DHL to stop delivering packages to the U.S.

that are valued above $800.

But on the bright side, the side I like to look on, if you forget to buy a Mother's Day gift, you can just tell your mom you got her something really nice, but it's stuck in transit.

Tell her that.

Works every time.

There's new evidence that Elizabeth Hurley, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful women who's ever set foot on this earth.

And that's why this is really hard for me to deliver to you.

Elizabeth Hurley,

is dating Billy Ray Cyrus.

Now I've got an achy-breaking heart.

And yesterday, Liz Hurley changed her relationship status to desperate.

Like that wasn't obvious to begin with.

Walgreens has to pay a $350 million fine for filling invalid opioid prescriptions.

And if they can afford to lose that much money, why can't they afford to leave the deodorant aisle unlocked?

Huh?

A San Francisco radio station played 24 hours of nature sounds for Earth Day, and it was still less painful to listen to than, say, Creed or Justin Bieber.

I should have gone with Bieber first.

A Nebraska man named Lord was busted for his third DUI.

Sounds like somebody enjoyed a little too much blood of himself.

A new survey shows nearly half of U.S.

teenagers say social media has a mostly negative effect on their mental health.

The other half were way too busy staring at their phones to answer the question.

Yeah, a list of the most gambling addicted states is out.

And once again, topping the list, the state of being drunk.

Scientists are experimenting with electroshock therapy as a possible cure for multiple choice, A, cancer, B, Alzheimer's, or C, people who call Kay Perry and Gale King astronauts.

They are not astronauts.

Yeah.

It's William Shakespeare's birthday today.

Can you imagine if he were alive today he would kill himself after watching a Minecraft movie?

During her show this week Drew Barrymore comforted a woman in the audience who was crying and that woman had burst into tears when she realized she wasn't at the Kelly Clarkson show.

Experts

Say, an iPhone made in the U.S.

would cost $3,500.

Because unlike China, you can't pay American factory workers with gum and candy, you know?

You can't.

Egg prices are back up.

I had no idea they were ever down, but they are back up.

Fortunately, tomatoes are still affordable, so we still have something to throw at cyber trucks.

A study finds that married men are three times more likely to be obese, which is another way of saying that sex burns calories, because that's not what married men have.

The U.S.

Army may cut 90,000 active duty soldiers, because, hey, it only takes a half dozen to conquer Greenland.

Right?

There's a Florida guy trapped in alligator in a plastic trash can.

And that image is now being added to the state flag.

The FDA has ruled that it will ban the use of artificial dyes in food by the end of 2026.

So I really hope you like gray M&Ms.

Experts say gossiping may be good for you.

But hey, you didn't hear that from me.

Stranger Things star Joe Keary turns 33 today.

The strangest thing is that he's still playing an 18 year old.

Won't work forever, dude.

Paris Hilton wants her media company to be the next Disney.

Yeah, I can see it.

After all, Donald Duck is also famous for never wearing pants.

You know, there's a Toys R Us movie in the works.

It's about lost toys who try to return to their store only to find it's now a spirit Halloween.

An AI entrepreneur replaced Taylor Swift as the world's youngest self-made female billionaire.

Swifties, I gotta say, handled it pretty well.

Kidding, her funeral is Friday.

People Magazine has named Demi Moore the most beautiful person of the year and that year?

1997.

Cedric the entertainer turned 61 today and he still remembers the most important career move he ever made.

It was changing his name from Cedric the fast food cashier.

I think that was smart.

Smart.

US tariffs on Chinese foods remain at 145%.

These tariffs are like your roommate.

The higher they get, the harder they are to take seriously.

An Arkansas school director is accused of running a child fight club.

You know the first rule of child fight club?

Do not tattle tail about child fight club.

That's right, the second rule, the second rule of Child Fight Club is don't tattle tail about Child Fight Club.

Chimpanzees were caught on camera bonding over alcohol.

That's right, they were filmed bowling.

Pete Davidson will spend like $200,000 to remove his tattoos.

Jeez, if I had $200,000 to blow on something, it'd be an egg or something useful.

Keep Davidson, ya dope.

YouTube says the site has uploaded 20 billion videos of weird-looking guys in tight black shirts hocking supplements.

That's pretty much what it's been.

Demi Moore says she used to torture her body for movies, but it was worth it for classics like Strip Tees and G.I.

Jane.

That sarcasm, if you couldn't figure it out.

You know, with the top pick in the NFL Draft, the Tennessee Titans chose Archbishop Louis Tagel of the Philippines.

Or am I mixing up my headlines?

Is that Pope?

Ah, something like that.

But speaking of the NFL Draft, started last night.

It'll end on Saturday by which time the New York Giants will be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.

There you go.

That's all I got.

Sometimes

life's challenges leave you feeling alone.

We all need someone who understands and listens without judgment.

That's what the 988 Wisconsin Lifeline is for.

988 is free and confidential.

Trained counselors are ready to listen and provide support 24-7 for mental health and substance use concerns.

You can contact 988 for yourself or for someone you know.

Don't wait, call or text 988 or chat online at 988wisconsin.org.

988-247, call, text, chat, here to support you.