Best of Hit and Runs week of 4-14-2025

So have you heard?

Governor Kim announced she will not run for a third term in 2026.

She says she looks forward to spending time with her family as well as finishing her debut hip-hop album, Reynolds Raps.

You get it?

Analysts predict another rough week for Wall Street.

These wild swings have left stockbrokers sicker than Tracy Morgan at a Knicks game.

9%

of Americans haven't started their taxes yet.

Fortunately, Doge cuts reduced the IRS to four people and an abacus.

So maybe we don't even have to pay taxes this year

wouldn't that be nice?

There's a rat in Cambodia who has set a record by sniffing out more than 100 land mines and explosives.

The only bomb the rat was unable to warn us about is the new Snow White movie.

Thanks rat.

Mexico is shipping water to Texas farmers to comply with an 81-year-old treaty between the US and Mexico.

The farmers will enjoy the Mexican water for a couple of days before ice rounds up that water and deports

it.

Did you

hear about this?

This disgusting, somebody mashed up oysters and s'mores to make s'moisters.

That's right, s'moisters.

They sound perfect for that family camping trip where someone swallows a poisonous mushroom and needs to vomit immediately out of s'moister.

The director of Weekend at Bernie's has died.

Yeah, he passed on Thursday, but we're only hearing about it today because his family spent the week and trying to evade gangsters while pretending he was still alive.

Sounds familiar.

Mick Jagger says he's been engaged for years.

He didn't reveal it until now because it took that long for him to get up from one

knee.

Katy Perry is traveling into space on board Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin Rocket.

In fact, they have blasted off.

Perry is excited to go to a place where no one remembers he was married to Russell Bran.

How could you forget?

Gene Simmons says it's better to be rich and miserable than to be poor.

Then he went back to shaping his hair into an Egyptian headdress.

Okay, so today is tax day.

Have you heard?

And do you know why it's called gross pay?

Just a fun fact for you.

They call it gross pay because it's disgusting to see how much money you would have made before taxes.

That's how that is.

There they are.

Thank you, fake studio audience.

Sometimes it takes a while.

You know, it used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.

Now, of course, there's shipping and handling too, so we really can't afford much.

You know, people that cheat on their taxes, I mean, they really disgust me.

I mean, this is not the world I want to raise my 28th dependence on in width.

A woman went viral for dying eggs in her toilet.

What?

Dying Easter eggs in her toilet, but the most disgusting thing she plans to put in her kid's Easter basket remains peeps.

A Spanish woman faked being mute for years to collect disability.

Her friends were sad she did that.

Her husband was sad she stopped.

The USPS wants to hike the price of stamps to 78 cents.

That way it's going to match the age of their trucks.

Scientists calculated the formula for a perfect day.

And not surprisingly, it includes zero hours for calculating the formula for a perfect day.

And what's the point?

All anyone needs for a day to be perfect is to not hear their spouse say, hey, are you busy right now?

Yeah.

Let's see.

Oh wait.

I've lost my place a cop in England a cop in England dressed like Batman for a sting and Despite being old and fat and English.

He still made a better Batman than Ben Affleck So David and Victoria Beckham their sons are feuding apparently

Boys, let me resolve this for you.

You're both worthless nepo babies, both of you.

Hey, over the weekend, I don't know if you saw this Saturday Night Live, as apologized for making fun of white lotus star Amy Lou Wood's buck teeth.

No word yet on when SNL will apologize for not being funny since Eddie Murphy left.

The world's oldest captive gorilla turned 68.

You should have seen what they had at her party.

It was it was bananas.

And it was crazy too, by the way.

It wasn't just bananas.

She had bananas to eat.

But RFK Jr.

suggested taking health care away from Americans who eat donuts or drink the Stoty Pop.

But he did add that people who ingest parasitic brainworms should have full 100% coverage for life.

Scientists say people who do not enjoy exercise can still get a workout by doing everyday activities briskly.

Doing things faster is good for your health, but terrible for your wife's satisfaction just an FYI.

A decline in global birth rates means fewer people have cousins.

And if you live in West Virginia, fewer dating options, I'm sorry to say.

So Taylor Swift is selling sweaters.

They're like regular sweaters, but they're already covered in cat hair.

Chelsea Handler says she's having more sex than ever.

You can read more about that story by simply googling the vomit emoji.

The Vegas Sphere will host a fully immersive version of the Wizard of Oz.

You know, I have a feeling 30 minutes in, I'd be clicking the heels of my converse tennies together chanting, There's no place like the Bellagio Bar.

There's no place like the Bellagio Bar.

China has top-taking deliveries of Boeing aircraft.

Partially to protest the tariffs and partially because it prefers jets that don't fall apart mid-flight.

Me too.

The owner of a Colorado funeral home was caught storing a corpse in a hearse for 18 months.

That's a year and a half people, a year and a half.

The neighbors said the vehicle smelled so bad they assumed it was an Uber.

One in five Canadians consider the US the enemy.

Really, Canada?

But then, I'm glad to say they remembered we took Justin Bieber off their hands and said, never mind.

Yeah, I still want to give him back.

Nervous investors have poured billions into gold the last few weeks.

And that's just the stuff around Mr. T's neck.

McDonald's is bringing back snack wraps after nine years.

Nine years is also how long it takes to digest one of those snack wraps.

Hooters.

Hooters from McDonald's to Hooters.

They want to attract more families by getting rid of bikini nights.

Then we'll really know which guys just go there for the food.

Yeah, right.

Sure you do.

Steven Tyler allegedly used the scarves on his microphone to hide drugs.

Keith Richards, on the other hand, hid his drugs in these things called veins.

Maybe you've heard of them.

The Who have fired their drummer.

I don't think they've really had a drummer since Keith Moon, but that's the headline.

The who fired their drummer.

Their fans have not been rocked like this since Elon Musk proposed cuts to social security.

Gail King says she is saddened by criticism of her blue origin flight.

Fortunately, Oprah was nearby with a billion dollar bill to dab her tears.

Thank God for Oprah.

Time magazine, yes, and Time magazine has released its list of the 100 most influential people.

And unfortunately, the chances are that all of them combined can't influence people to read a stinking magazine.

Did I mention Sunday is Easter and 420?

Yes, and it is.

It makes sense, since you really need to have the munchies to actually eat peeps.

And yes, he will rise again, but probably not before noon.

And just so you know, I'm talking about your teenager.

That's every week.

And by the way, parents, give your kids Easter basket, just a little sniff, just to make sure it's only Easter grass in there.

That's a responsibility you should take.

Young women are now binge drinking more than young men.

Mainly because of the way young men act around them, which is... I've seen... Yeah.

CNBC ratings have soared due to the market meltdown.

And also because playing Jim Cramer at full volume scares away intruders.

Good Lord does it ever.

Time magazine has released its list of the 100 most influential people of 2025.

It'll be read by the 100 people who still subscribe to Time Magazine.

The issue is going to be available probably in your dentist's office right around 2037.

I thought you'd like that one.

The who have fired drummer Zach Starkey, who is Ringo Starr's son.

And ironically, he's being replaced by Pete Best's son.

Haley Joel Osment was arrested for public intoxication.

So now he's famous for the sixth sense and a fifth of whiskey.

George Strait, that's where I said George Strait was spotted at a dirt queen drive-thru.

It's not often you see a country music legend at a fast food place who isn't Garth Brooks.

Mikey Madison.

turned down an offer to do a Star Wars movie.

I say good for you, Mikey, good for you.

It is kind of ironic because right up until Oscar night, I really thought Enora was one of those Star Wars shows on Disney Plus.

And finally, director David Cronenberg says he may retire because, and I'm quoting, the world does not need my next movie.

Yo, Adam Sandler, you listening?

On WoW 5.7, K.O.K.Z, Iowa's classic game.