Best of the Week Hit and Run Headlines

The stock market, very hard for me to talk about this, because I'm a billionaire, so you know how much money I've got in the stock market had its biggest two-day drop in history.

But Liberation Day still wasn't as big of a bomb as Snow White, so at least there's

that.

Today is National Beer Day.

Thank God when the stock market plummets, that's the first thing I want is eight beers.

Yeah.

But it is, it's National Beer Day and it's also World Health Day.

So I guess today is actually three holidays since this also makes it International Day of Irony.

Yeah, World Health Day or as RFK Jr.

calls it, let's have a measles party day.

A study shows just 30 seconds.

Just 30 seconds of activity can have health benefits.

I guess that explains why I feel so good after sex.

A new study shows dementia is more common among people who are married.

No wonder we're always forgetting our anniversary.

That makes sense now too.

A Nevada man caught with tigers on his property says, their service animals at service was reminding him that frosted flakes are great.

Don't do much of a Tony the Tiger.

Texas Roadhouse topped the list of America's favorite casual dining restaurants.

Denny's wasn't far behind.

It was far, far, far, far

behind.

20% of Gen Z have never handwritten a letter.

Big deal.

I've never had to churn my own butter or brush my teeth with charcoal dust.

Does that make me a monster?

No, I

don't think it does.

The

NCAA championship is tonight.

My money is on Florida.

I mean, if a state full of dribbling idiots can't win a basketball championship, I don't know what

to tell you.

Seriously, I don't know what to tell you.

And I would put all my money on that if I hadn't lost it all in the stock market.

Kawasaki unveiled a robot horse.

That's right, a robot horse.

It looks so realistic that Arby's already tried to kill it for sandwich

meat.

Flooding struck several states across the Midwest and the South.

It was mainly caused by the tears of people who checked the status of their 401k.

Yeah, me included.

A resort in China installed escalators to make hiking easier.

Yeah, you heard right.

Resort in China installed escalators to make hiking easier.

It seems weird, but it's kind of like how the NFL makes football easier by scheduling games against the Browns.

According to scientists, a day on Uranus has gotten 28 seconds longer.

Uranus also experiences longer days after you eat too much cheese.

34% of people trust chat GPT over human experts.

I split the difference and get my advice from a human robot hybrid.

Lester Holt, maybe you know

him?

Shoulder pads are back in style.

It just shows you never know and something from the 80s will be cool again.

Except Adam Ant.

I really think he's

done.

I really do.

A Minecraft movie grossed $163 million on opening weekend, but that's only a net of $50 million once the studio subtracts the cost of feeding Jack Black.

Rumor Willis says she still bathes with her sisters.

You can read more about it in this week's issue of, why do you wanna read more about this?

Hey, the stars of happy days reunited.

The highlight was when Henry Winkler started Ron Howard's oxygen tank by punching it like a

jukebox.

Steve Gutenberg and his wife are getting a divorce.

She's taking the house and he gets to keep the guy who makes all those crazy sound effects with his mouth.

The real ID, have you heard about the real ID?

The real ID deadline is just under a month away.

So if you get in line now at the DMV, well, you still probably won't have enough time to get it, sorry.

Netflix is gonna air a reality competition series based on Monopoly.

I don't know why, people are just gonna turn it off halfway through and watch Scattergories instead, you know?

That's what's gonna happen.

China is installing escalators.

I talked about this yesterday too.

I just find it so crazy that China is installing escalators on mountains so people don't have to hike to the top.

No, we're hiking.

You want us to walk?

So yeah, escalators.

And I know they want to beat us at everything, but should that include obesity?

I didn't think anybody, I don't know.

Physicists have designed a urinal that reduces splash back by 95%.

Great.

Now, if they could start maybe working on a hand dryer that actually dries your hands, that might be even a better idea.

Three teens attacked the Easter Bunny at a Florida mall.

Florida, that seems odd for Florida.

But anyway, in their defense, they asked for Cadbury cream eggs and he gave them peeps.

I can understand now.

After feuding for years, Madonna says she and Elton John have finally buried the hatchet.

It was the same hatchet used for Madonna's latest facelift, if you remember.

Playboy founder Hugh Hefner was born on this day.

He was famous for making millions of dollars because internet porn had not been invented yet.

Original Beatles drummer Pete Best is retiring at the age of 83.

His announcement will be overshadowed when Ringo Starr also retires but does it better.

A hot sauce recall is in effect.

I believe this is the first time a product is being recalled because it doesn't cause injury, sickness, or death.

I think so.

I'll have to check.

But a 16-year-old Ohio boy saved a family from a burning home.

And for more examples of an unselfish teenager, no, that's about it.

The average person has over 1,000 unread emails.

About 900 of those are ads for ding-dong enlargement pills.

I don't need any of that.

An 11-year-old boy in Oklahoma can perfectly imitate 50 different birds.

The one thing he can't imitate is the sound of a friend talking to him.

Now that's sad.

Bill Gates' daughter launched a fashion website.

She developed her fashion instinct by watching her dad and doing the exact opposite.

Three Florida teenagers beat up a mall Easter Bunny.

Just one more example of how expensive eggs have

gotten.

Subway now sells foot-long nachos.

In response, Taco Bell now sells a spongy gray substance they like to call tuna.

Washington, DC is one of the highest percentages of people working from home.

Mainly because federal workers are afraid that if they show up at the office, Elon Musk will be waiting there to fire him.

That's right.

Tesla sales dropped 13% in the past year.

And here's how empty my local Tesla dealership is.

The Sears across the street is mocking them.

Seriously, researchers say laughing gas fights depression.

Wow, what a shocker that is.

I look forward to their next study.

Beta blockers, do they block betas?

LeBron James getting his own Ken doll.

It hasn't even come out yet and critics are already saying it's not as good as the Michael Jordan Ken doll.

Brian Seacrest fell.

on the Wheel of Fortune set.

Fortunately, members of the crew quickly sprang into action and rebooted him.

Thank you, thank you.

The National Weather Service is no longer providing translations for non-English speakers, which means now their website refers to El Nino as the Nino.

Under Armour is debuting a plant-based apparel line that can be buried in your backyard to compost once you're through with it.

The only problem is convincing the neighbors you're not burying your clothes because you just murdered someone.

Right?

It's like that old saying, you know, a friend will help you move, a real friend will help you move a body.

There's a guy in China who got a lung infection from his habit of smelling dirty socks.

That's right smelling dirties Wow What small price to pay for a great conversation starter on dates,

right?

Sure, sure.

Prada is buying Versace for $1.4 billion.

And if that affects you, you're way too classy to be listening to this show.

What are you

doing?

Most Americans panic over their phone when it's at 38% battery, and over their retirement savings when it's at $38.

And speaking of which, has anyone checked on 401K, the retirement penguin, and that chopper crash in South Africa?

No, okay, let me know.

New research shows poor sleep can lead to more nightmares.

Another thing that increases nightmares is looking at the stock market.

Cabot Creamery, have you heard of Cabot Creamery Butter?

They have been, it's been, let me start that over again.

Cabot Creamery Butter has been recalled in seven states because of possible fecal contamination.

Say it with me, fecal contamination.

It goes without saying that you should never eat brown butter anyway, you know, or, or yellow snow or peeps while you're at it.

Insiders say Ben Affleck wants to date Angelina Jolie.

Of course for that to happen, he first has to marry Jennifer Aniston.

There you go.

That's all I

got.