Transcript
The Waters Wake Up Call with Mike Waters · Fri Feb 21, 2025
Hey, as if you didn't know, today is President's Day.
The holiday was established to honor the fact George Washington and Abraham Lincoln really loved mattress sales.
Yeah, and with so many people not working today, shouldn't it be called Vice President's Day?
Arizona may make howdy, the official state greeting.
And Mississippi wants to do the same with
You ain't from round here, are you, boy?
Goonies, Goonies 2 is in the works.
Now comes the tough part, making sure Corey Feldman is available.
That's sarcasm, by the way.
Last night, Saturday Night Live celebrated its 50th season, and it's 49th year of having Keenan Thompson in the
longer than that.
Britain's BAFTA Awards were held over the weekend, and it's basically their version of the Oscars, except when someone insults your wife you slap them across the face with a white glove.
You do it classy like that.
Two women were injured in a shooting at the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl Parade.
You know, I feel like it would have been bigger news if there wasn't a shooting at the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl Parade.
Hey, have you heard about this spreadable coffee that you can now smear on your toast?
It's now a thing.
And if your reaction to this is anything other than, why the hell would I want to spread coffee on my
Well, I've got some other signs here for you that you're way too into coffee.
Like, you visit Columbia.
You visit Columbia for something other than the
And thanks to you, Duncan changed their slogan to, Bob runs on Duncan.
You named your kids cream and sugar.
you're way into caffeine and coffee, you got breast implants just so your bra size is a cake up.
And you actually laugh when idiots say in an Elvis voice, Psycho, Psycho very much.
president of Mexico said that she won't rule out filing a civil lawsuit against Google if it continues to use the name Gulf of America.
You can do that, said city officials in intercourse Pennsylvania.
In a discussion I heard about US presidents, yesterday there was a historian
who said that Rutherford B. Hayes was maybe our most moral president.
And also, here's another thing that I found out recently.
Most people don't know that the B in Rutherford B. Hayes stands for Beyonce.
Those are two presidential facts you now know about Rutherford B. Hayes.
How many did you know right before that?
Oh, I'm sure it had to be
experts are saying Texas will be the most populous state by 2043.
And the population of Wyoming will be a couple of guys named Buck and a coyote.
Scientists have now developed a synthetic diamond with 40% more toughness than natural diamonds.
Synthetic diamonds also cause 100% more disappointment when you give them to your girlfriend.
A Florida man exposed himself at a dollar tree.
I know, but the saddest thing you can do at a dollar tree remains shopping.
Heidi Klum says she's starting to find random chin hairs.
She was responding to, what do you have in common with Timothy Chalamet?
Random chin hairs.
Drew Barrymore says her favorite on-screen kiss.
Are you dying to know?
Are you dying?
Adam Sandler.
But oddly, her favorite off-screen kiss was E.T.
Juice Newton turns 73 today.
She'll be celebrating with her more fun sister, Gin Newton.
Wheel of Fortune's Vanna White, 68 today and still just gorgeous as ever.
But Vanna is now at the age where she occasionally has trouble moving her vowels.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The average person has 1600 photos on their phone.
For young people, the photos are of family.
For old people, the photos are of a single attempt to take a photo of family.
You know how that can go.
Quick, get one more.
Southwest Airlines is cutting 15% of its corporate jobs.
They meant to cut them two years ago, but just like a Southwest flight, that plan just kept getting delayed and delayed.
Two men tried to launch drugs into a Louisiana prison, and they would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for
Scientists made a diamond.
That's 40% harder.
Can you imagine?
And by the way, they created it by putting it up your grandpa's butt during Kendrick Lamar's halftime show.
Oh, hold on.
There we go.
Only the fake studio audience can just laugh all at once and then stop all the way.
Anyway, Doge continues to make drastic cuts.
They even cut the punchline to this
But thank you for still laughing, fake studio audience.
I appreciate that.
Today is National Chocolate Mint Day.
It's a day to celebrate the best way to ruin a perfectly good piece of chocolate.
Oh, this is exciting.
Creed and Nickelback will co-headline a tour this summer in my nightmares.
No thank you.
The Saturday Night Live 50th anniversary special drew 14.8 million viewers.
That's one million viewers for each hour that it lasted.
And that's about right.
PBS has shut down all of its DEI programs.
Moving forward, Ernie and Bert officially no longer
Sad.
Sad, really.
The director of The Brutalist says he's made no money from it.
Which is weird, since films about 1940s architects are normally just gold
Smokey Robinson turns 85 today, and I'm not saying he's had a lot of Botox, but you can no longer see the tracks of his tears.
Seal turns 62 today.
He's going to celebrate with his brothers, Walrus and Otter.
He's gonna be spending the day just like any other begging for sardine treats and balancing a beach ball on his nose Southwest is laying off employees to improve company profits Delta plans to do the same by no longer landing planes upside down Apple unveiled a new iPhone called the 16e
Sorry, I left off the beginning of that sentence.
Hey suckers.
And then Apple unveiled it.
Yeah, but the price starts at like $5.99, so you can either buy the iPhone 16e or a dozen eggs.
Kentucky Fried Chicken is relocating out of Kentucky and its headquarters going to Texas.
Counting chicken, that makes two things in their name that is a lie.
But its clogged heart will always be in Kentucky.
I think we all know that.
You betcha.
Researchers have pinpointed a genetic mutation that enables some mice to produce more complex squeaks.
Another way to make mice chattier, give them cocaine.
Not that I've done that.
I just assumed.
A blue blood spinoff called Boston Blue is headed to CBS.
It's going to star Donnie Wahlberg and Tom Selick's mustache.
Rob Lowe says a sequel to St.
Elmo's Fire is happening.
To reflect the cast age, it's going to be called St.
Elmo's sciatica.
Oh, I feel for that.
Dana Carvey, I don't know if you noticed or missed him, but he missed SNL's 50th anniversary show because he had the flu.
Fortunately, he can make the last hour because I think it's still on.
Still going on live.
Sure, you bet.
Nicole Kidman's LA home was burglarized.
She was away at the time shooting another TV show, Your Wife Will Watch Without You.
Paul Simon going on a four month tour.
You know, he's 83.
So if you buy tickets for the fourth month, I'd recommend having backup plans just in case.
And finally, runners in a race in Scotland went the wrong way after someone changed the signs so they pointed in the wrong direction.
Authorities are on the lookout for a wascoey cartoon rabbit.
There is a campaign to make Bigfoot California's official mythical creature.
It's between him and a vegan who never talks about being vegan.
You don't find those anywhere.
Don has developed, and I'm not talking about Don Johnson or midday person, I'm talking about the dish soap.
Don has developed an extra strong dish soap designed to wash off the grease that's been left behind by meat.
Challenge accepted, replied Arby's.
News, have you heard about this?
News stories covered by AI contain errors almost half the time.
Since I got this from AI, it's probably more like 75%.
Americans are cutting back on buying eggs because of their exorbitant cost.
which is why the average American's breakfast now consists of bacon, more bacon, and sausage.
Cleveland was in the top 10 of a list of the most dangerous U.S.
cities, so the Browns aren't the only ones in Cleveland getting murdered.
U.S.
news and wallet hub named Memphis, Tennessee, the most dangerous city in the U.S.
And you can tell it's a tough town when Girl Scouts there say, buy some cookies or I'll cut ya.
And that's how they sound the Girl Scouts.
Or I'll cut ya.
That is a Tennessee Girl Scout.
Kids, and it's also so dangerous, kids there play the game Glock Paper Scissors.
And gap stores in town only carry orange jumpsuits.
A Chilean man was briefly swallowed by a whale while kayaking.
We talked about that a couple of days ago, but it was either that or admit to his wife he got home late because he got drunk.
Nobody is sure I got eaten by a whale.
Yeah, right, honey.
The IRS is firing 6,000 workers in the middle of tax season.
Finally some good news.
Finally.
The trailer for Cheech and Chong's last movie was released this week as the title implied this will be their final joint venture.
Sharon Osborn says her biggest mistake was not letting Ozzy be in Pirates of the Caribbean and also turning her face into a kabuki mask.
What are you doing Sharon?
Stop it.
Amazon is now in charge of the James Bond franchise.
Oh, you know, Jeff Bezoselboth is kind of the ultimate villain.
You know, I mean, when you look at a Bond villain, you've got a bald, industrialist, plotting world domination.
If that's not Jeff Bezoselboth, I don't know what is.
So yeah, be looking out for all kinds of crap to come out now with Bond.
Thanks, Amazon.
And finally, a woman is divorcing her husband for booing Taylor Swift at the Super Bowl.
It should go without saying that she's also seeking custody of all her cats.
Yeah,
