HIT AND RUN HEADLINES FOR 12-16-2024

And I'm telling you, the fake studio audience finds it hilarious.

A DJ was hospitalized after being stabbed by a dancer at a vegan strip club.

I can't really prove it, but I feel like these things don't happen at places that serve bacon.

I think I'm right with that.

I really do.

There's a study that shows 67% of teenage girls don't say what they're thinking because they want to be liked.

That number goes way up to 100% for

politicians.

A 102.

No, you know what?

I'm not going to do that one.

I've come to my senses.

I'm not going to do that one.

Let's do this one instead.

Chipotle raised menu prices.

And remember,

That's on top of what you also have to shell out for a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

A company unveiled technology to re-freeze the Arctic.

It has three settings, cold, frigid, and Clinton family dinner.

Experts say holding your wee-wee can lead to health risks.

They're recommending people avoid sitting through Martin Scorsese

films.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle made a new Netflix series about Polo.

Well that oughta shut up all the idiots who say the royal family ain't relatable.

Polo.

Jim Carrey says he unretired because he needs money.

And also because nobody at the senior center finds his talking butt bit

funny.

And finally, a man whose IQ is far below his blood alcohol content told police who pulled him over that he's a professional drinker.

So as a quick public service for those of you as dumb as he is, I've come up with a few other things you should never say to cops after they pull you over besides I'm a professional drinker like, hey,

Don't check the trunk.

Never say that, because they will check the trunk immediately.

Of course, I was driving erratically.

I was watching porn on my phone.

Don't say

that.

Don't do it either, by the way.

In a token of appreciation for all you do to keep us safe, I want to offer you some of the crack in my glove compartment.

Something else.

Or don't say something like this, how do you still have a job?

I voted to defund you.

I

saved the best for last, okay?

Wait, if you're here, who's singing with the village people?

Alright, that's all I

got.