Transcript
The Waters Wake Up Call with Mike Waters · Fri Dec 6, 2024
All right, let's make sure, because it's been a few days that the fake studio audience is ready, are you guys?
Okay.
And I'm not saying that I ate a lot on Thanksgiving with this, but a Macy's balloon float handler just tried to attach a rope to me.
A 55 year old Tennessee woman stabbed her daughter and grandson during a Thanksgiving Day argument.
That last dinner roll can really make people crazy, can it?
Hey, Bible sales are booming.
The King James Bible is one of the top sellers.
The Rick James Bible?
Eh, not so much.
The annual report on what the 12 days of Christmas would cost in real life, it's out.
And as usual, I'm only concerned with the Eight Ladies Milken, and that's... I don't care about that.
So just give me the price on that, will you please?
So the McRib is back, but only for a limited time.
Just like the people who eat it.
A man shot customers with arrows at a Texas Walmart, what?
Now, fortunately, the average customer at a Texas Walmart is way too thick for an arrow, but still.
Hey, there's a new report says that Florida could suffer from a silver tsunami of an aging population.
The report was made by anyone who's ever been to Florida.
A survey found that only 31% of Americans feel like they've financially made it.
Read more about it in the new issue of stats that don't apply to people who work in radio.
Hey, a Russian man was scratched to death by his cat, and yet the last thing he did before he lost consciousness was to feed it.
Doctors say, and they do say this, there's some anyway, doctors are saying it's okay to pee in the shower.
I mean, Housekeepers beg to disagree, but don't just say it's fine.
Just fine.
The Thanksgiving box office was $420 million, thanks to Moana 2 and Gladiator 2.
I hope this encourages Hollywood to make more sequels, as for me,
The only seconds I want is the turkey, mashed potatoes, and of course, Godfather 2 is already always a big deal.
Diddy is accused.
Diddy, that's right.
Diddy is accused of dangling a woman from a 17th floor balcony.
The funny thing, I actually did have that on my Diddy Bingo card.
That's right.
I did.
No, no, I did.
Billy Idol turns 69 on Saturday.
Billy was given one slice of cake at his party and then with a rebel yell he asked for... Happy birthday Billy Idol.
Aaron Rodgers turns 41 today and if you want to get Aaron Rodgers a gift, please don't bother with the 70s porn mustache he's all set in that department.
All right?
Costco will stop selling books at many locations.
Oh man, that sucks, replied not one Costco shopper.
A California pastor fought off a thief who tried to rob his church, and as police cuffed and led the would-be robber away, he could be heard shouting over his shoulder, hey, what the hell happened to turn the other cheek?
Yeah, see, that's why you don't mess around in the Church of Our Lady of the Sacred Arm Bar, okay?
31% of Americans say they have made it in life.
That jumps to 100% if it refers to meth.
Jack in the Box is testing a burrito filled with noodles.
Because people will eat anything when they're drunk.
You know they
Researchers have identified a new ancient human relative that lived in eastern Asia between 300,000 and 50,000 years ago.
They were so primitive, they called people instead of texting.
A new law in Belgium grants maternity pay to sex workers.
This government subsidy will ensure they have enough milk money, I guess, milk money.
You shut up.
Oxford's word of the year is brain rot.
That's right, brain rot.
I'll use it in a sentence.
A worm crawling inside his skull caused RFK Junior to have brain rot.
Or maybe it was the earworm.
I don't know.
It's estimated the two thirds of U.S.
active duty service members are overweight or obese.
How bad is the obesity problem, you may ask?
Two of our aircraft carriers just sunk.
Success, 98% perspiration, 2% inspiration.
And we just found this out.
Breaking news, while Axe body spray is 100% desperation.
Ah, let's see.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin's daughter, Apple.
made her debut at a debutante ball in Paris.
She wore a beautiful gown, specially tailored from the world's finest nepotism.
Yeah, so great news for anyone confused about why the terrorists hate us.
ACDC has announced an upcoming stadium tour.
Tickets will be in the triple digits and so will the age of the average fan.
put
there?
I bet my kids put that in there.
They'll be kicking off the tour in Minneapolis, and they'll also play Gillette Stadium, and they'll be the oldest people to play at Gillette Stadium since Tom Brady left the Patriots.
The stadium hasn't seen balls that deflated since the 2015,
Ozzy turned 76 today, somehow.
I don't know.
Yeah, no word on how that's possible.
Wallet Hub has named Las Vegas the most fun city in the US.
And for the fifth year in a row, the least fun city in the US is Gender Pro Nouns, Oregon.
Frontier Airlines will start to offer first-class seating.
And not to be outbound, Spirit Airlines will start to offer single-use air sickness bags.
Mexican cartels are recruiting college students to make drugs.
Especially ones who double major in chemistry and Charlie Sheen.
Americans spend about 37 billion hours waiting in line every year.
And most of that is the line for the women's restroom.
than the women who get impatient and come into the men's room.
You know, the guys never seem to mind though.
It becomes quite the potty.
I didn't think that was gonna go over that well.
If you sing the Oscar Mayer jingle, you know, my baloney has a first name, it's O.S.E.
That one.
You can win free groceries, although it's not much of a deal if you value your dignity more than a pack of baloney.
Gwyneth Paltrow's company, Goop, has been laying off employees.
Oh gosh, I hope Goop doesn't go belly up.
Oh, I hope not.
The company is struggling after consumers realized they don't need $750 of saucepans or the vagina candles
was selling.
Or as Paltrow put it, she and some employees will be consciously uncoupling.
That I think is what she calls layoffs.
And in light of the company struggles, it's putting out a new candle that smells like failure.
So I've heard there's a rumor Tom Cruise is supposed to be starring in his first horror film.
It's called Siri Wants to Spend the Summer with Me.
Philadelphia is celebrating the iconic movie Rocky with an event called Rocky Fest.
Not to be confused with Rock Fest when Philly residents throw rocks at Santa Claus.
There's a survey that finds that 75% of Americans are obese or overweight and it gets worse.
The remaining 25% ate the survey.
Yeah, alright.
Costco will expand their selection of doomsday products.
Isn't a thousand count of anything a doomsday
And by the way, that includes the $1.50 hot dog, which, according to your colon, is also considered a doomsday product.
Forever 21 and H&M are two of the most popular stores in U.S.
malls.
The least popular?
Soiled linens and things.
average holiday shopper can burn about 1,500 calories shopping all day at a mall.
which is then quickly negated after one bite of a Cinnabon.
About 60% of people say they don't worry about counting calories during the holidays, but come January, they'll start counting calories again and their chins.
The CDC has announced that the E. Coli outbreak linked to McDonald's Quarter Pounders is over.
and that the E. Coli outbreak linked to the McRib has just begun.
The gun began.
No, a Mexican actress died at a spiritual retreat after drinking monkey frog potion.
And that's why I only consume monkey frogs the way God intended, deep fried in butter.
Denmark will start taxing gassy livestock.
Farmers say it really stinks.
They have yet to respond to the tax, though.
Kate Winslet said she was body-shamed after the movie Titanic became a huge hit.
To be fair, she did kind of hog the door, though, didn't she?
A trailer for the live-action Snow White is out.
In this version, the Queen skips the apple and poisons Snow White with a
They may change it to a McRib, we just don't
Alright,
