The Best of Hit and Run Headlines wk of 8-5-2024

Starbucks sales were down 6% last quarter.

Company executives aren't that concerned.

They see the decline as a grande problem, not a venti problem, thank goodness.

Hulu, Hulu has renewed the Kardashians.

Yay, it's been fun to watch them evolve over time from superficial trash to superficial trash with kids.

Taco Bell drive-throughs will begin using AI.

Taco Bell customers will continue smoking weed.

Technology is being developed that will allow cars to alert police if you speed.

It will be available in the new Buick Nark Avenue.

Men are four times more likely to be killed by lightning than women.

No comment replied Mother Nature.

Maureen McCormick, Marsha from the Brady Bunch, 68 today.

Nowadays, when she tells a guy that something suddenly came up, it's probably her A1C.

A man in Washington was arrested for running over a flock of seagulls.

The good news, though, is he missed Devo and Men Without Hats.

Thank God.

IHOP is bringing back all you can eat pancakes.

Historians will look back at this as the first shot fired on the War of Ozympic.

Dolce and Gabana has launched a new perfume for dogs.

It's a mix of fragrances that dogs enjoy like musks, sandalwood, and other dogs' butts.

A new Cadillac is built with biomaterials made of mushrooms.

Dude, it's the biggest achievement with mushrooms since Aaron Rodgers' career, man.

A new study says that thinking hard really does hurt.

In totally unrelated news, studies have also shown that fans of Larry the Cable Guy are virtually pain-free.

A Florida man was charged with domestic battery for hitting his mother in the head with a plate of pasta.

His mother is okay, but the spaghetti did leave her with a small al dente in her forehead.

Thank you for the deadline.

Harrison Ford says he's taking roles for money.

Then he announced his next project, Indiana Jones and the role I took money for.

Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift may get engaged.

Oh please let it happen.

Well, know for sure when the clouds part and an angel descends with matching rings on a pillow.

Oh, it's going to be so romantic, won't it?

Hey, M Knight Shyamalanadengdong turns 54 today, and these days he goes by up three times a night Shyamalanadengdong.

And he'll celebrate with his brothers M Day M Dawn and M Dusk Shyamalanadengdong.

I just like saying Shamalama Ding Dong.

That's all I know.

Walmart issued an ice cream recall.

This sent millions of Walmart customers scrambling to find something new for breakfast.

You know, spicy food at restaurants is reportedly more in demand than ever.

And so are their bathroom codes, I'm

sure.

Hand in hand, you know.

Google holds a 90% market share among search engines.

And if you're saying, what about Bing?

Then congrats on your job working at Bing.

And by the way, I found that out on Ask Jeeves.

Here we go.

The prime minister of Bangladesh has resigned following mass protests.

She's being replaced by

You guessed it, Ryan

Seacrest!

Did you know that Snoop Dogg is making a half million dollars a day as an Olympic correspondent?

Which just goes to show you kids, if you stay in school, say no to drugs and don't break the law.

Hang on kids, that lesson doesn't quite work in this particular instance.

I think Snoop Dogg is the only instant where it doesn't

work.

I don't know why it worked for him.

I really don't.

Maybe because his name is Snoop Dogg.

Break dancing.

Break dancing is making its Olympics debut this weekend.

RFK Jr.

won't be watching because every time he sees someone doing the worm, he gets a little PTSD.

House of the Dragon will end after season four, oh no!

And you know it's a tough real estate market when even dragons can't hold on to their homes of poor, fire-breathing guys.

CBS is developing a sitcom about people who work at a DMV.

And for the sake of realism, each season will focus on the processing of a single customer.

That sounds about right.

Stop the press.

So there's a list of states ranked by IQ that happens to be out.

Yeah, I'll bet that's scary for some states.

And you'll be shocked which state is last.

I guess unless you think West Virginia is last, then I guess never mind.

Thieves have been targeting hundays.

But if someone takes your hunday, I mean, aren't they really doing you a favor?

A

study says brides spend 36 days planning their wedding, which is roughly 36 more days than grooms spend planning their wedding.

Brad Pitt is said to be very concerned about the health of his son Pax, and he will continue to be so until his publicist says it's no longer necessary.

The nominations for MTV's Video Music Awards have been announced.

The VMAs are notable for being the one night of the year MTV actually shows music videos.

And sync singer J.C.

Chasay turns 48 today.

He's going to be spending his birthday doing the same thing he does every day, begging Justin Timberlake to return his calls.

The National Transportation Safety Board has released its findings on the Boeing 737 that lost its door plug.

Ironically, the report is expected to blow the doors off the company.

That's right.

The Starliner astronauts have been unable to return from the International Space Station due to concerns the Boeing-made spacecraft may have leaks.

Who could have seen this coming other than everybody?

They've been stuck up there for so long they still think Biden is running.

The two astronauts aboard this international space station and they may be stuck there until like early 2025 because Boeing's Starliner spacecraft is experiencing helium leaks and and thruster failures and the lesson here never hop on a Boeing and fly to space on Southwest.

And the astronaut's name, by the way, Skipper and Gilligan.

A new study says that living near an airport can make you sick, and I believe it's from the smell of the Terminal 3 Sparrow.

I think so.

The average American eats more than half their meals alone.

Mostly because of the size of the average American, no one can fit in the room with you.

Today is Book Lover's Day, as I've been saying, or as Florida calls it, Friday.

A Russian chess player tried to poison her opponent by spraying her pieces with mercury.

It's a classic chess move, if you don't know, commonly referred to as Putin's Gambit.

I think.

I'll check that.

Tim Walls has said he's a big fan of Bruce Springsteen.

Wow, what a surprise from a 60-year-old dad.

Next thing you know, he's going to claim he's into World War II history.

All right, I can't stand it anymore.

I have to do it.

RFK Jr.

says he's been picking up and eating roadkill all his life, which explains so, so much.

President Biden's first interview since ending his 2024 campaign will take place on

Multiple choice, A, Sunday, B, Monday, or C, a park bench while he feeds pigeons.

Why could be any of

those?

An Australian field hockey player was busted buying cocaine in Paris.

And thanks to the handcuffs, he's leaving the Olympics with silver.

Congratulations.

NFL has begun its pre-season.

Yay, I've got my Vikings shirt on.

Is there also a post-season?

Ask the rest of my Vikings fans.

All right, and finally, Steve Martin declined a chance to play Tim Walls on SNL.

Martin decided it's not a good fit because even though he's 78 years old, he still looks too young to play Walls.

Oh, oh, that's all I got.