The National Guard has been deployed to fight crime in the New York City subway system.
Those troops are already begging to be reassigned to a safer place like the Middle East.
A New Mexico teacher let the students engage in a sword fight in class.
Too bad the teacher wasn't as sharp.
New Mexico, where even the teachers are on meth.
Parts of the Southeast United States are experiencing record heat for this time of year.
Now it's even harder to keep frozen embryos in Alabama.
Are you kidding me?
A new senior living complex in Virginia will employ robot helpers, because old people are so good with technology.
They just get that right away.
So thank goodness, also on staff, grandchildren to help them change the batteries.
So thank God.
Experts are saying that fasting can add two years to your life.
Just keep in mind that those two years really, really suck.
Health experts say you should only be eating
between 100 to 150 calories of sugar a day.
But don't worry, as long as you're consuming more cocaine than sugar, you still look great.
Don't do drugs, kids.
And sugar should only make up about 5% of a person's daily calories, which means that most Americans will have to reduce the amount of sugar in their diet by about 95%.
Both flexes filed for bankruptcy.
Great, now what am I gonna watch at 3 a.m.
20 years ago?
I got nothing now.
So today is plant power day, a day to celebrate the benefits of a plant-based diet.
Good, because if there's one thing your vegan friends need, it's another excuse to be smug and preachy.
So the U.S.
Embassy is warning spring breakers against traveling to Jamaica due to the horrifying possibility of, multiple choice,
A, being the victim of a violent crime.
B, getting denied access to medical services.
Or C, coming home with white boy dreads.
That's gotta be C, gotta be.
After the failure of Madame Webb, Dakota Johnson is giving up on superhero movies.
So one flop and you just pack it in.
Man, if John Travolta felt that way, those $5 DVD bins at Walmart would totally be empty.
They'd just be empty.
The bachelor has a condition that turns his eyes yellow.
It's still not as mysterious as the condition that makes him want to find a wife on TV.
But there you go.
And that's all I
