Hit and Run Headlines: 11-30-2023

Well the price of wine is up and real housewives are saving money by flinging water on each other's faces Did you know farting that's right farting burns zero calories So you're only doing it to relieve discomfort and if you're Mrs. Waters to to get back at me

So in other words farting is not a good way to lose weight Unless you have sorely miscalculated So yelling at kids affects their psyche so the next time they misbehave just follow Apple's lead and dock their pay Craft craft is going to start selling.

I'm sorry.

I have to laugh at this They're gonna start selling macaroni and plant-based cheese

So now Kraft has two products without a trace of real cheese.

Walmart is recalling peaches, plums, and nectarines linked with a Listeria outbreak.

This will impact the five Walmart customers who go there to buy fruit.

New kids on the block are going on a 2024 tour.

You can buy tickets now or wait until they're free the night of the show.

Christmas at Graceland aired last night on NBC.

You know, I wonder where Elvis watched it from.

You know he's still watching.

A poll found that America's favorite holiday classic to re-watch every year, Home Alone, the least favorite, Rudolph the meth-mouthed reindeer.

That is a bad one.

Guy Fieri signed a three-year $100 million deal with the Food Network.

And if you think that's a lot, they'll spend at least twice as much for his hair gel.

Billy Eitel turned 68 today.

Happy birthday, Billy.

Billy and I are tight.

We went to kindergarten together.

Snack time, that kind of thing.

Well, these days, when he says the words more, more, more, it's after being served butterscotch pudding.

And these days, you can hear Billy singing.

It's a nice day for a CSI marathon.

Clark was born on this day in 1929.

You know, he may be gone, but his legacy lives on, as does his brain in a jar on the nightstand next to Ryan Seacrest's bed.

Harvard University and the University of Florida have added courses about Taylor Swift.

Harvard?

It's great news for students who love wasting their parents' money.

That's what that is.

You know, she's staying at Travis Kelsey's house in Kansas City.

For more on this story, consult a teenage girl or a very, very sad housewife.

Aaron Rodgers returned to practice with the New York Jets yesterday, just 11 weeks after having surgery to repair his torn Achilles.

Aaron's progress is being monitored by team doctors, his LA-based surgeon, and a voodoo woman named Phyllis.

Finally, a study finds people are more violent after their sports team loses.

So it's official, John Wayne Gacy was a Minnesota Vikings fan.

I had too.

I had.

That's

all I got.

And now the waters wake up call with this morning's five things you didn't know you needed to hear.

So this happened last week.

Police officers in Missouri, they are involved in this kind of crazy chase with a truck that was hauling a house.

I don't know if he was stealing the house.

I don't know, but officers were able to stop and arrest this guy.

This guy is pretty awesome.

Sergeant Craven of the Excelsior Springs, Missouri police department.

He's given the play by play and color commentary of the whole chase.

Listen.

So we chased this truck down

the road.

He was going about 30 mile an hour.

hauling this big ol' house.

Looks like he's gonna live in it.

He was traveling all over the roadway, thought he might have been drunk.

We came up on him, we chased him real fast down the road, and then we took him to jail.

Like in Seltzer does, woo wee.

Like Seltzer does, woo wee.

Okay, November, today is the final day.

of November.

Do you realize that tomorrow is December 1st?

Well, all the stuff that happened in November, here is the Water's Wake Up Call Singers, actually one of the singers, with kind of a finale song for November.

Sizzle with nine grammy gnomes, the trumps I'll testify.

Daylight savings back again, no one can explain why.

Elon Musk retweeting, costing him advertising.

So Derek Chauvin in prison, a happy shanksgiving.

Na na na November, we kiss it goodbye.

Like Tiffany Haddish's license to drive That curly-headed crypto bro will spend life in a cell Did he allegedly can't keep his diddy to himself?

Secure his Spanish tax fraud case, she finally settled it Apparently her hips don't lie, but her accountant did Na na na November, that's a wrap Hall is suing oats, I can't go for that Na na na November is finny But the Beatles won't let it be

If Dolly as a cowgirl makes you think she looks thirsty, then pour me a double of that aged Tennessee whiskey.

Na na na November, it's been fun.

Our president just turned 151.

Na na na November.

Thank you for that.

You

think getting a lot of people to stream your music on Spotify makes you a lot of money?

I would think so.

Well, here's weird Al Yankovic with a thank you to his fans, but not to the streaming service, Spotify.

Hey, how you doing?

Al here.

Look, I'll make this really quick.

I just want to thank you all for your amazing support.

It's my understanding that I had over 80 million streams on Spotify this year.

So if I'm doing the math right, that means I earned $12.

So, you know, I'll have to get myself a nice sandwich at a restaurant.

Sure.

So, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for your support and thanks for the sandwich.

And

finally... Oh, finally.

The month we've all been waiting for.

And the fifth thing you should

know.

People had so many leftovers this year.

It's time to get even with the company that is to blame for all these leftovers.

Attention, are you still eating Thanksgiving leftovers?

Then you may be eligible for a significant financial settlement from the makers of Osempic.

Their drug ruined your guests' appetites, and now look.

It's almost December, and your refrigerator is still filled with green bean casserole, sweet potato pie, ambrosia salad, and all that other garbage you never wanted to eat in the first place.

The law offices of E. Pluribus and Screwum will help you get compensated to offset the emotional damage of witnessing loved ones who used to unbuckle their pants, slap their bellies, and say,

Look at me!

I'm eight months pregnant

instead saying I'm fine with the dinner roll Call today because nobody should have to eat yams on Thanksgiving Let alone a week later.

No

kidding.

No kidding.

And you could get salmonella So if you do have leftovers throw them away and then blame Ozympic.

I think that's five things You didn't know you needed to hear