Hit and Run Headlines! 8-28-2022

Today's hit and run headlines brought to you by Christmas.

Sure, you survived Thanksgiving with your redneck in-laws, but guess what?

There's only 27 days till you get to do it all over again.

But it's the Monday after Thanksgiving, and it means that pretty much America will resume its normal toilet paper usage by approximately midweek.

And this is where I get truly thankful.

that it'll be another year before I see some of these people again.

28 million viewers watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade because option B was spending time with their family.

Black Friday online sales, ooh, is a good day, hit $9 billion.

And this is great for e-commerce, but sad for people who like watching fistfights over an air fryer at Walmart.

You know what I mean.

All over the country holiday bargain hunters took home millions of dollars worth of merchandise and that was just the shoplifters So today now is Cyber Monday, which means tomorrow will be credit card declined Tuesday and Unfortunately, I can't do any shopping because I'm busy watching Black Friday videos of Walmart shoppers murdering each other for a slightly discounted Nintendo switch

Earwax production can increase with stress, which might explain why Kanye West publicists can't hear a damn thing.

So 2,500 Australians posed for a naked photo to raise awareness about skin cancer.

And by the way, don't ask how they raise awareness about colon cancer because you don't want to know.

Despite years of research to the contrary, scientists now believe it's not necessary for everyone to A, drink eight glasses of water a day, B, brush their teeth twice a day, or C, have sex with Pete Davidson.

How about all the above?

That's what I think.

And finally, a study says millennials do more good deeds than any other generation.

Great.

Just what millennials need.

Something else to pat themselves on the back for.

And there you go.

Those are your in-run headlines.