With the AmEx Gold Card, you can earn four times points at U.S.
supermarkets because the best nights in start with the grocery run that makes it happen.
And when meals come with four times points, moments around the table add up to even more.
Apply today and find out your welcome offer, which could be as high as 100,000 points.
Learn more at americanexpress.com slash explore-gold.
Terms and points cap apply.
All righty, so health
experts are recommending adults
Get 150 minutes of moderate exercise per week.
And no, America, chewing is not moderate exercise.
Google is developing a robot that can perform menial household tasks.
And just like that, there's one less reason in the world to have kids.
I'm kidding, of course, but boy, can't wait for them to go back to school.
So the world's largest moth has been spotted for the first time in North America.
You know, scientists are now worried that Godzilla won't be far behind, because, you know, mothra, you know?
Today is National Mail Order Catalog Day.
Best day ever!
replied people who've never heard of the internet.
So a couple was arrested for having sex on the Ferris wheel at an Ohio amusement park.
And so, for the first time ever, the grossest thing about the Ferris wheel was not the guy running it.
And it really sounds like Disneyland's got a battle on its hands for the title of Happiest Place on Earth.
You know, you got that going on.
So college enrollment is down again this year.
What is it?
You know, maybe young people are just tired of being in a classroom.
I mean, I know I was after spending seven years in high school.
You know, only thing I ever passed was gas.
So Gene Simmons has turned down an offer from Dancing with the Stars, which is fine with me.
I mean, the last thing I want to see is him twirling a woman with his tongue, you know.
Hey, in an upcoming movie, Robert De Niro is going to be playing two characters, one of which is trying...
to kill the other, so the characters are Robert DeNiro before Meet the Parents and Robert DeNiro after Meet the Parents.
Blackish creator Kenya Barris is set to direct a remake of The Wizard of Oz.
It's a totally modern interpretation.
Instead of killing the Wicked Witch of the East, Dorothy starts a campaign to defund her.
And finally, Seattle quarterback, Seattle Seahawks quarterback Drew Locke has tested positive.
for COVID, but negative for passing accuracy.
There you go.
Those are your head run headlines.
Hit and run.
Clear the run.
This is the Waters Waco call.
Big run, classic.
Light waters with a Waters Waco call.
Never saw him.
He's a basic hit and run.
On Louisville 5-7, K.O.K.Z.
With the Amats gold card, you can earn four times points at U.S.
supermarkets.
because the best nights in start with the grocery run that makes it happen.
And when meals come with four times points, moments around the table add up to even more.
Apply today and find out your welcome offer, which could be as high as 100,000 points.
Learn more at americanexpress.com slash explore-gold.
Terms and points cap apply.
I gotta update you on some stuff.
All
right, so there's a gym and maybe you're finding it really tough to work out these days.
Chain of gyms and it's called Blink Fitness and they're offering free hypnosis sessions that are supposed to
You know, tricky into enjoying exercise, at least more than you do now.
So it's described as a series of free in-gym and virtual hypnosis sessions that are supposed to make you motivated to work out.
But you, Eastern Iowa, that's what I'm talking to you, you have the option to sign up for a virtual group session online.
And they say for best results, you have to listen to a specific audio clip over and over and over and over again before bed for a few weeks first.
But of course results
are not guaranteed, so here's the commercial for that thing.
I
am motivated.
Loving.
Loving the
gym.
I
want to go work out.
I want to go.
Oh, sorry.
Boy, that really works, doesn't it?
I'm gonna go do some push-ups when I'm done with this.
So a DoorDash customer out of Ohio says that his meal came with a side of...
I mean, it is vegetation, you know, kind of vegetables, aside of marijuana at the bottom of his bag.
So here's the customer talking about how he dealt with this particular situation and his feelings about DoorDash after the fact.
Did this start with the driver or did this start in the restaurant that I ordered it from, which makes me question where these drugs coming from.
He would...
give me my money back and refund me my order if I gave him my entire bag back because he claimed that there was medicine in the bag for his friend.
I told him, no sir, I can't give it back.
I just want certain companies like DoorDash or Grubhub want to question what kind of background checks they're taking for their employees.
Do they really know the people who are working for them?
Do they?
Do they not?
But I'll tell you what, if I, if I, and I don't do this by the way, and don't do drugs kids, but if I did happen to smoke that, I would have
laughing because this guy sounds like a muppet
listen to start with the driver or did this start in the restaurant I ordered it from you almost
sounds like fuzzy bear anyway right along so there's a guy who dropped his daughter off for her first day of school
and wrestled an alligator in his driveway.
So his name is Mike Trent.
He lives near Houston, and it was his daughter's first day of middle school.
But right when they were supposed to leave, she refuses to go outside and claims there was an alligator by the door.
So Mike assumed she just didn't want to go to school and was joking.
But it turned out there really was a fairly large alligator.
in their driveway.
And instead of calling someone for help, Mike went ahead and wrangled it himself.
So he took his kids to school first, you know, so they wouldn't be late.
Dad priorities.
Then he came back, tossed a towel over its head, duct taped its mouth shut, took it to a nearby pond and released it.
And his 19-year-old daughter got it all on video.
And here's what Dad says.
Well, good morning, Groggy.
I'm ready to just take my kids to school.
It's my daughter's first day in middle school.
So she runs back.
Dad, there's an alligator in front of her.
I'm thinking she's just joking.
She's trying to skip school, not go to school, walking in front.
Like, yeah, there's a gator.
Steve Irwin.
Crikey, there's a gator.
That's what you do.
You give her this back.
And they're like, OK, I'm doing it.
I crossed that off my bucket list.
I'm a wrestler alligator today.
You know, he sounds just
crazy enough to do that.
You know, he really does.
Alright, how about these two?
There's a couple of 32-year-olds you'd think they'd know better.
They were arrested after having sex.
on a ferris wheel in Ohio on Sunday so several witnesses including children saw them and complained the cops were called and at first the couple denied doing anything naughty and I I love their excuse the woman said that she dropped a pack of cigarettes and bent over to pick them up and the guy was just helping her ah that old chestnut huh they later admitted to having sex and were charged with public indecency and since the two of the witnesses were minors the charge
was enhanced to a misdemeanor of the first degree.
All right, and for the fifth, the fifth story, there is actually a monkey who called 911.
I don't know how he got the number.
Maybe it was an accidental thing.
Maybe it just, I don't know, picked up the phone.
Maybe there was actually an emergency.
I'm not sure.
And you really, you know, you couldn't tell.
But this is a monkey in a California zoo allegedly called 911 and hung up on them.
But, you know, of course, we exclusively have the audio of that call.
911, what is your emergency?
sounded like she understood him perfectly, right?
Okay, you know, let's let's make sure before we get out of here that you have motivation to work out this morning before you go to work.
So I take you out with a little bit of Jim Hypnosis.
Oh, hold on.
Jim.
Hypnosis.
You're getting sleepy, very sleepy.
Sleepy.
You'll enjoy exercising.
Enjoy.
You'll buy the bogus vitamin protein shakes every time.
Bogus shakes.
And you'll pay a ridiculous initiation fee of $500.
But aren't I already paying monthly dues?
Shut up and sign here.
Signing here.
All right, when I snap my fingers, you'll be good to go.
Hey, welcome, new member.
Let's go get you a $10 protein shake.
You know, I feel like working out now and paying a whole lot of money.
All right, I think that's five things.
What the
hell were those
things?
Five things you didn't know you needed to hear.
Thanks.
I needed that.
You know everything now.
That's five things no one else knows.
That's
five things.
Thanks.
I needed that.
This is the water's wake-up call.
Thank you.
I needed to hear that.
